The Twisted Tail of Shakespeare
by Sunnie Anderson
Summary: A Monty Python version of Shakespearean plays. Need I say more? Oh well…I will say more.
1. The Lawyer of Venice

***THE TWISTED TALES OF SHAKESPEARE***

**~The Lawyer of Venice~**

Note: Ahem. I am truly sorry for anyone out there that is a lawyerI just needed something to go into the story. Other than thatheh hehit's not one of my best works. Not better than the Romea and Julian story, this one is just something I finished up when I was bored-not sugar high.  
  
  
~*~  
  
I was a lawyerI've always been a lawyerthat's when I saw her. She walked into my office with her boyfriend.  
  
"I need help"  
  
The lass said, okay. So she was my daughterand so she had a guy. Boy, I hated that boyfriend. Wish I could have choked the guy. Not that he wasn't a nice guy, he had his faults though. He'd bring home the sickest socks after a really long tennis match and leave them on my favorite chair, if that wasn't enough to make you puke. He'd eat garlic bread and anchovies.   
  
He'd use my razor to shave the hair in between his toes. He'd 'forget' to wear deodorant. He'd squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. He'd crashed my computer about a thousand times. He'd burned down a few of my former houses. And he always seemed to be hanging on my daughter. But other than that, he was a fairly decent guy.  
  
How my daughter could like him was beyond me, but that's another story.  
  
"Charlie here has to give a pound of flesh to this guy, okay?"  
  
"Okay." Boy, I'd like that. I'd hope that 'Charlie' would loose his blood from that big ol'flesh wound and die. Boy, life would be great.  
  
"You get it?" He asked, (Charlie, I mean.)  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"YES YES YES! I GET IT OKAY?!?!?!??!?!!?!?!?!??!!?" Boy, that guy could make you loose your patience.  
  
"And so" He paused, as though he was thinking very hard. My daughter whispered something in his ear. His face lit up, "I really to be killed? Okay?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Get it?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Eh?  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"I GET IT!!!!!!!"  
  
"You don't have to scream so loud pops" He whined.  
  
Then, I started cackling, not because he was whining, oooooh nooo. I'd had enough of the whining. It was getting on my nerves.  
  
I was laughing because I had suddenly rememberedI WAS THE ONE HE OWED THE POUND OF FLESH!  
  
It stumped me on how the big lug had forgotten already just exactly WHO he owed that pound of flesh too. A person, normally, wouldn't forget something like that. I shrugged and turned to my daughter.  
  
"He ate your moldy carrot collection and blew up my prized platinum coffee cup!" I told her, "I'm the one he owes a pound of flesh!"  
  
Horror spread across her face, "He ATE my moldy carrot collection!?!?!?!?!"  
  
"Don't forget the coffee cup." I added.  
  
"He ate it?"  
  
"Nohe blew it up with a nuke."  
  
"Oh."  
  
She then turned, and slapped her boyfriend.  
  
I gurgled down the scene, like a thirsty squirrel in a river.  
  
"HOW COULD YOU?!?" She screamed at him.  
  
He finally reacted after 15.8 second, "Huh?"  
  
Then, my daughter and I proceeded in a normal Father-Daughter activity in which we got our pound of flesh.  
  
Lawsuits? I handled them. Remember, I'm a lawyer.


	2. Romea and Julian

*THE TWISTED TAILS OF SHAKESPEARE*

~ROMEA AND JULIAN~

Sunnie: Okay.I made this REALLY twisted. Julian IS a boy, but he ACTS like the girlsame for Romea, just backwardsdoes that make sense??? Oh well. I don't own the Monty Python Style, if I did I wouldn't be writing this fanfiction! I'd be writing the movie for all this! Anyway, I don't own Good Ole Will's stuff either Only people with a bunch of official looking papers and a bunch of lawyers and muscular tall people own the stuff I'm basing this off of  
  
On with the story!  
  
Narrator: We find our selves in Julian's pink powdery room. He is supposed to be preparing for his wedding to Romea  
  
Julian: But I don't want to marry Romea! I just want(Waves hand dramatically)to sing!  
  
(Music starts up then stops and Julian's MOTHER runs in)  
  
Queen: SHUT UP JULIAN! YOU WILL MARRY THAT RICH KING'S DAUGHTER!!!!  
  
(Julian's FATHER comes in)  
  
King: Ohdo be kind to him darling. The King and Queen of our son's bethroth's are our friends. Just because they are rich-  
  
Queen: YOU BE QUIET TOO!  
  
(Queen storms out)  
  
Julian: I don't want to marry Romea though.WAAAAAAAAAH  
  
King: Ohpoor Julian  
  
(King pats Julian on the back)  
  
Queen from offstage: OH DO SHUT UP NOW!  
  
#~#~#~#~# Next Scene #~#~#~#~#  
  
Narrator: Romea was in her suite of the Reunion Hotel, shooting arrows at pictures of Julian.  
  
Romea: Stupid arranged marriages! Why do I have to marry that girl of a boy Julian!!!  
  
(Romea's Father comes in)  
  
King King (I needed a way to tell the two Kings apart): WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT TO THE PICTURE OF JULIAN?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!? IT'S HARD TO COME BY PORTRAITS NOW! IT'S NOT LIKE WE CAN GET A CHEAP PHOTO OF HIM!!!!  
  
Romea: What's a photo?  
  
King King: Something you take with a camera.  
  
Romea: Then what's a bloody camera?!?!?  
  
King King: I DON'T KNOW!  
  
Romea: Why NOT?  
  
King King: THEY DON'T GIVE ANY DETAILS IN THE SCRIPT!  
  
Romea: WELL WHY NOT!!  
  
(A few scriptwriters were murdered in the next few minutesI'd rather not give any details)  
  
King King: Nothing like a good hunting trip with your daughter!  
  
Romea: (Crosses her eyes) Incompetent Father! I did most of the killing! AnywayI don't want to marry that weird freak!  
  
King King:   
  
Romea: Daddy?  
  
King King:   
  
Romea: DADDY!!!  
  
King King: YOU HAVE TO MARRY HIM!! WE'RE BROKE AND WE NEED THE MONEY FROM MY RICH FRIENDS!!!!!  
  
Romea: Will I get a new horse, saddle, arrows, bow, and lots of other hunting goodies???  
  
King King: Probably  
  
Romea: YEA! (Punches the Air) Waitdo Ihave tolive with him?  
  
King King: HmmmNot really, you just sign the marriage contract and we get their money!  
  
Romea: OrI could KILL HIM WITH MY KNIFE! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
King King: All this Bloody Talking is giving me a headache! I'm going to go.  
  
(King King Leaves)  
  
Romea: I WILL POISON HIM AND THEN HE WILL DIIIIIIIIE!!  
  
#~#~#~#~# Later that Day (At the Wedding) #~#~#~#~#  
  
Minister: Do youJulian take Romea, to be-  
  
Julian: Why would I want to take her anywhere? It's not like I want to marry her  
  
Romea: Let's settle this the legal way! We'll both get lawyers and sue each other till we're both poor urchins! It would be quite exciting! I might even get to shoot someone!  
  
(Julian goes pale and runs to the bathroom before coming back with his mother pushing him up to the altar.)  
  
Queen: GET ON WITH IT!!! I WANT THE MOOLA-  
  
King: Shhhh, Deardon't make a scene.  
  
King King: Do indeed get on with it.  
  
Julian: But I don't want to get on with itI just want toSING! (Dramatic Music starts up, but is then faltered)  
  
Queen: SHUT UP JULIAN AND SAY I DO!  
  
Julian: What do you do Mother?  
  
Romea: Not only is the girl, excuse meguy I'm supposed marry is an idiot, but my future in-laws are out of wacko!  
  
Minister: Umyou're both marriedI'm out of here! You people in renaissance outfits are freaking me out!  
  
(Romea pulls out a cup of wine out of no where and shoves it in Julian's face)  
  
Romea: DRINK THIS!!!  
  
Julian: Uh  
  
(Julian drinks some)  
  
Julian: I don't feel so good  
  
Narrator: Julian died because of the poison and Romea ran off with what was left of both castle's riches. The two families didn't want word to spread about this, so they came up with a dramatic tale and wrote it down. They then sent a messenger to London, were they set it on the doorstep of a poor theater company.  
  
Sunnie: I think I had to many Icepops and too much Apple Juicemaybe that's what made my mind so


End file.
